by Mark Byars
I have a friend with a personality disorder. OCD is the least of his problems. He can't show genuine anger without being intoxicated. His problem seems almost a Dr.Jekyll and Mr.Hyde personality, and being trapped in a loop of a sort. Religion seems to play a part in both his personas obviously in contradiction to one another. As Dr.Jekyll, he is typically calm, pacifist, highly moral actually ridiculously so, and is a wonderful conversationalist. As Mr.Hyde he is allowed to show anger, malice, and lack of reasoning thus satiating the emotions that normally he would never show in his sober form. In the form of Hyde he can become violent, and a danger to others. Hyde is angry at God for not bringing him the "goods" of life. Dr. Jekyll on the other side is morally sanctimonious, thoughtful, and also guilt ridden.
He essentially is good vs. evil in a battle trapped in a loop that never sees an end. As Jekyll he can't without the aid of an intoxicant achieve the emotion of anger that builds within over time. We all display a wide variety of emotion, but to normally not be able to show anger or other negative emotions without inducements is a terrible thing indeed.
He once asked me, "Mark, what am I mad about?!"
I now know the answer now. "Your mad because when you should be getting angry "normally" ... you don't." "It builds up." "Like a bomb."
The release is Mr.Hyde, malice and rage granted by means of "the magic potion". The alcohol isn't the addiction. It is what it does, or no ... what it allows to come within.
Freedom at a price.
A cycle is created. Jealousy and resentment build, alcohol, explosive anger, crash, guilt, repentance, then jealousy and resentment build up, alcohol, explosive anger, crash, guilt and repentance ... rinse and repeat. His own denial of this cycle dooms him. Chased into the woods by metaphorical villagers with pitchforks and torches seemingly forsaken by God, the "wish granter" that never comes through for him with the idealistic life.
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